Justice and Mercy
Last week I had the experience of going to court for one of our moms. We will call her Nadia. I was asked by our legal advocate to testify as to the character of Nadia and what she had been doing since she joined our program. Her abuser laid some pretty heavy accusations against her and was petitioning for sole custody of their 17 month old daughter.
Having observed, counseled, and lived with Nadia for two months I felt comfortable speaking on her behalf. When she entered our shelter she had the appearance of a caged wild animal. She was wide-eyed, wound up, and terrified that her abuser would find her. As managers we had some very real concerns he would continue to pursue her as well. He showed up at her school and domestic violence class looking for her and contacted all her friends and family asking about her, even after the restraining order was served.
Nadia weighed less than 100 pounds and smoked almost non-stop to keep her anxiety in check. The abuse she had suffered was extensive and went on for years. He used a lot fear tactics to control her which is considered psychological abuse, there was also verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. He had raped her repeatedly, crushed her spirit, exerted his strength over her, refused to let her leave the house, and didn't allow her to parent their child.
While with us I saw Nadia go through a complete transformation. She gradually settled into her new home and our schedule. At first she spoke very little and kept to herself. Her birthday was a few days after arriving and when we gave her a birthday wish list to fill out she said that she had everything she needed and to please not go out of our way to give her anything. Pish-posh! We threw her a birthday party that the whole house helped with. Decorating the kitchen with streamers, balloons, and gifts as well as making a fancy dinner and cupcakes. She didn't know what to say and we just said that we loved her and that she was not alone.
As time went on Nadia was able to lighten up, even the way she walked looked like she was carrying less of a weight on her shoulders. She contributed to discussion during Bible studies and played games with us at the dinner table. She sought our advice and always took our counsel with an open heart. She was always the first one to pitch in to help around the house. One time when I was mopping the floor she actually took the mop out of my hand and said, "You do so much for us. Let me do this for you!" Her smoking decreased drastically as she was able to replace her evening cigarettes with chamomile tea before bed. She even gained weight, probably the first time in our house a women has expressed joy over gaining 10 pounds!
In all these things I have seen God answer our prayers that Nadia would grow and find peace and safety. I love Nadia and want to see her living without fear, able to take care of herself and understanding her great worth. God is revealing Himself to her in ways she never understood before. She is experiencing His love, guidance, protection, forgiveness, and grace. God is not this fearful judge just waiting for her to screw up so He can punish her. I am so grateful she is learning that.
So that is the woman Nadia has become. Last week in court I saw how broken our justice system is. Nadia was an emotional wreck having to face her abuser, he still had her believing that he had all the power. He gave the appearance of being calm, prepared, collected, well-spoken, and wholly the victim. He painted a picture for the judge that Nadia was an addict, unpredictable, violent, emotionally unstable, suicidal, and a danger to their child. He brought out Nadia's juvenile record (which was supposed to be sealed), a previous arrest (which was from the one time she tried to defend herself from him), and an email she had sent him last year when she was overwhelmed and frustrated with their child. His record was pristine, a perfect saint on paper, and the judge chose to take his side. The restraining order against him was dropped and Nadia was actually served with a restraining order herself to prevent her from attacking him! He was granted unsupervised visitation 4 days out of the week with their daughter and the judge would not even grant us the request to have the exchange happen in front of a police station.
The judge would not let me take the stand for Nadia. If I had been able to speak I could have told the judge that while Nadia has been with us she passed two drug tests, never took so much as a sleeping pill, was compliant and teachable, never late for our 5:30pm curfew, finished our parenting and domestic violence programs, and has been a model resident. I could have told the judge that what I saw when she first came to us was textbook behavior of a woman who had been severely abused for a long time. Nadia requested she bring out a witness 3 times and the judge refused. The judge would not even allow our legal advocate to sit with her as she defended herself.
Never have I been so frustrated and disappointed by the justice system. A lack of domestic violence education led to a victim being further victimized. The arrest on Nadia's record happened because the police officers were not adequately trained to recognize the signs of an abuser and someone who was abused. The decisions the judge made reveal the shortcomings of the court to fight for the cause of truth and justice.
My sense of justice and mercy are equally strong which is frequently a frustration to me. In a situation like this all I want to do is be able to step in to protect and defend this woman. Seeing her abuser and knowing what evil he is capable of made me want to seek vengeance right then and there. It was so hard to watch him instill fear from across the room and then see him gloating over his power. To see a woman crumple into a ball at the mere sight of the man who vowed to love and protect her made me sick.
Although the decision was far less than what we had hoped for, there was mercy and grace given as well. With the way Nadia represented herself in court she very well could have lost custody of their child. That has not happened (yet). The judge could have made the visitation schedule final instead of letting that be decided at a later court date set for next month. If Nadia had lost custody of her daughter she would have also had to go to another shelter as The Sheepfold only takes mothers who live with their children. In all these things I see providence.
We have a lot to be praying for over Nadia's situation and the future. If her abuser is still trying to find where she is living it will be much easier now with her having to see him to exchange their child. The custody is still in question, their divorce is not finalized yet, and of course the health and well-being of the mother and child are a concern. Pray hard my friends!
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| Statue outside Cumberland School of Law called Justice and Mercy |
Having observed, counseled, and lived with Nadia for two months I felt comfortable speaking on her behalf. When she entered our shelter she had the appearance of a caged wild animal. She was wide-eyed, wound up, and terrified that her abuser would find her. As managers we had some very real concerns he would continue to pursue her as well. He showed up at her school and domestic violence class looking for her and contacted all her friends and family asking about her, even after the restraining order was served.
Nadia weighed less than 100 pounds and smoked almost non-stop to keep her anxiety in check. The abuse she had suffered was extensive and went on for years. He used a lot fear tactics to control her which is considered psychological abuse, there was also verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. He had raped her repeatedly, crushed her spirit, exerted his strength over her, refused to let her leave the house, and didn't allow her to parent their child.
While with us I saw Nadia go through a complete transformation. She gradually settled into her new home and our schedule. At first she spoke very little and kept to herself. Her birthday was a few days after arriving and when we gave her a birthday wish list to fill out she said that she had everything she needed and to please not go out of our way to give her anything. Pish-posh! We threw her a birthday party that the whole house helped with. Decorating the kitchen with streamers, balloons, and gifts as well as making a fancy dinner and cupcakes. She didn't know what to say and we just said that we loved her and that she was not alone.
As time went on Nadia was able to lighten up, even the way she walked looked like she was carrying less of a weight on her shoulders. She contributed to discussion during Bible studies and played games with us at the dinner table. She sought our advice and always took our counsel with an open heart. She was always the first one to pitch in to help around the house. One time when I was mopping the floor she actually took the mop out of my hand and said, "You do so much for us. Let me do this for you!" Her smoking decreased drastically as she was able to replace her evening cigarettes with chamomile tea before bed. She even gained weight, probably the first time in our house a women has expressed joy over gaining 10 pounds!
In all these things I have seen God answer our prayers that Nadia would grow and find peace and safety. I love Nadia and want to see her living without fear, able to take care of herself and understanding her great worth. God is revealing Himself to her in ways she never understood before. She is experiencing His love, guidance, protection, forgiveness, and grace. God is not this fearful judge just waiting for her to screw up so He can punish her. I am so grateful she is learning that.
So that is the woman Nadia has become. Last week in court I saw how broken our justice system is. Nadia was an emotional wreck having to face her abuser, he still had her believing that he had all the power. He gave the appearance of being calm, prepared, collected, well-spoken, and wholly the victim. He painted a picture for the judge that Nadia was an addict, unpredictable, violent, emotionally unstable, suicidal, and a danger to their child. He brought out Nadia's juvenile record (which was supposed to be sealed), a previous arrest (which was from the one time she tried to defend herself from him), and an email she had sent him last year when she was overwhelmed and frustrated with their child. His record was pristine, a perfect saint on paper, and the judge chose to take his side. The restraining order against him was dropped and Nadia was actually served with a restraining order herself to prevent her from attacking him! He was granted unsupervised visitation 4 days out of the week with their daughter and the judge would not even grant us the request to have the exchange happen in front of a police station.
The judge would not let me take the stand for Nadia. If I had been able to speak I could have told the judge that while Nadia has been with us she passed two drug tests, never took so much as a sleeping pill, was compliant and teachable, never late for our 5:30pm curfew, finished our parenting and domestic violence programs, and has been a model resident. I could have told the judge that what I saw when she first came to us was textbook behavior of a woman who had been severely abused for a long time. Nadia requested she bring out a witness 3 times and the judge refused. The judge would not even allow our legal advocate to sit with her as she defended herself.
Never have I been so frustrated and disappointed by the justice system. A lack of domestic violence education led to a victim being further victimized. The arrest on Nadia's record happened because the police officers were not adequately trained to recognize the signs of an abuser and someone who was abused. The decisions the judge made reveal the shortcomings of the court to fight for the cause of truth and justice.
My sense of justice and mercy are equally strong which is frequently a frustration to me. In a situation like this all I want to do is be able to step in to protect and defend this woman. Seeing her abuser and knowing what evil he is capable of made me want to seek vengeance right then and there. It was so hard to watch him instill fear from across the room and then see him gloating over his power. To see a woman crumple into a ball at the mere sight of the man who vowed to love and protect her made me sick.
Although the decision was far less than what we had hoped for, there was mercy and grace given as well. With the way Nadia represented herself in court she very well could have lost custody of their child. That has not happened (yet). The judge could have made the visitation schedule final instead of letting that be decided at a later court date set for next month. If Nadia had lost custody of her daughter she would have also had to go to another shelter as The Sheepfold only takes mothers who live with their children. In all these things I see providence.
We have a lot to be praying for over Nadia's situation and the future. If her abuser is still trying to find where she is living it will be much easier now with her having to see him to exchange their child. The custody is still in question, their divorce is not finalized yet, and of course the health and well-being of the mother and child are a concern. Pray hard my friends!
Thank you for sharing JJ. I know God is writing her story and will have the last word. I will continue to pray for her.
ReplyDeleteThat was heartbreaking to read. I've seen a couple of my female friends go through difficult divorces from manipulative ex-spouses, but wow. I am so sorry you weren't allowed to speak for her.
ReplyDelete