Rekindled: A Mom's Perspective

The following is from one of my moms. It's always better when you can hear their story in their own words rather than mine. The face of every mother and child is imprinted on my heart, including this one. These stories continue long after they leave the "sheltered life." 

Although not every woman that enters our shelter leaves with her life in order and her kids healthy and happy, it is good to remember that each of them experienced Love while they were with us. That is my purpose: Love God, Love People. By the way, I'm ok with spending my whole life perfecting that pursuit.

 <3

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” - John 13:34-35

________________________________________________

When I was asked to write about what led me to The Sheepfold my mind started cycling through old memories. I began revisiting thoughts of fear, feelings of loneliness and abandonment even replaying episodes of depression and displays of wild and reckless behavior.  I've realized that those same stories that used to seem cool and exciting or those that warranted sympathy from my school counselors or anyone willing to listen, were somehow less meaningful. I want to share something new. I feel like my life took a turn in a positive direction when I became pregnant with my daughter who is now fourteen months old.  My daughter being born was more than a blessing to me but an answer to my prayers.

I remember being up really late one night. I probably hadn't rested in days and I was curled up in a ball on the bed in my dark bedroom alone. I felt weak and burned out but my mind was racing. I thought of all the ways I had sold myself out in exchange for “things” that I valued more than my own skin. I began remembering each person that I had attacked with my viscous words and three innocent lives I sacrificed so that mine could remain single.

All of a sudden my head felt really hot as I laid there still hugging myself. I couldn't move other than to wipe the sweat from my face. My thoughts were still reoccurring but I was seemingly detached from them, it was as if I was watching it all displayed on a screen before my eyes. I recalled every opportunity that I missed because I was too afraid to take a chance. All those drunken nights I slouched faced down in some strange toilet bowl re-entered my mind humiliating my false pride. The most foolish choices I made came racing back to me as if I stood a chance at another shot.

More sweat fell from my face. I could feel drops of it on my skin as I stayed still in that same position. Thoughts of my own mortality began surfacing.  I knew I was alive but in some way I could feel my spirit dying.  I was an empty shell and God did not know me. By now my cheeks were so wet that my eyes could not see passed them.  Momentarily distracted from the rolling tape in my mind it finally occurred to me that I had been sobbing silently and unknowingly for countless minutes. Perhaps over the years my body had so slowly disconnected itself from my spirit that I could not recognize how intensely I was feeling the loss of myself.

            It was in those moments that I felt God speak to my heart. This inner voice resounded over all the noise in my head but was still the gentlest words that had ever been spoken to me.  I soon realized that God knew me very well. He promised to save me so long as I stopped breaking his heart with the way I was living. Naturally after hearing this I did the most selfish thing I could have done by testing his love. I asked that he prove his power by giving me a child. I desperately wanted someone to love, a person who would give my life meaning and purpose. I didn't care enough about anything else to change for myself.

When you hear someone say that God works in mysterious ways, you should believe them.  I became pregnant a month later and I felt my heart overflowing with love and thankfulness to God. I knew that I had a responsibility and I took it very seriously. I left my life and my loved ones to move into a Christian based maternity shelter. It was there that a little mustard seed once planted by my grandma when I was just a little girl started to grow. I came to understand what it meant to have a relationship with God and my life started to change.

Not long enough after, I moved on from that sheltered life prematurely and I started losing sight of all that I had learned. I took my eyes off God and I started to sink into thoughts of fear and doubt. Thank goodness our Lord is faithful because even after my disobedience he did not let me drown, instead he lead me back to safety and I found The Sheepfold.

I've been a resident in this extraordinary program for only two months now but I have already rekindled the fire for God within my heart. It doesn't take very long when you’re as thirsty for the Holy Spirit as I have become. Since I came to the Sheepfold I've developed pretty close relationships with the other women who share my same burdens.  I have grown to show love and respect for the house managers that are serving God here at The Sheepfold. To me they are more like house moms, correcting me and encouraging me with loving support. I know now that God is using these women as tools to teach me more about his compassion and grace.  I’m not sure of what God has in store for my life and I probably will never be absolutely certain. Though today I am just as interested in how I can give and share my God-given gifts as my way of honoring Him and all He has done. I thank God for my daughter every day and I cherish the moments when God ministers to me through the spirit of my child. I am filled with joy and a new passion for my life as a follower of Christ, a child of God.